Watching
by LdyAnne
Summary: Daniel's thoughts before he appears to Jack in ‘Abyss.’


Spoilers for Meridian, Abyss, Children of the Gods, FIAD - little ones for other eps here and there

* * *

Its never been something I was really good at. Even as a kid I remember watching my parents working… and my hands itched to dig and sift and **do** what they were doing. It wasn't long before they gave me my own tools. After that, I had my own little corner in each dig that was my own to work. … I loved those days in the sun digging beside my dad. He used to tell me stories…

God, I miss them so much.

Well… then you know how my parents died. And **all** I could do was watch. No one thought an eight year old would know what was best for them. I felt so… powerless, of course I didn't know that's what it was when I was eight. I just knew that as I was moved from home to home… I just wished that someone would ask me what I wanted…, where I wanted to go…., what I wanted to do. Of course they never did.

Oma did though. Oh, boy did she ever. She gave me the choice …– Oma or death:

_Death or Oma?_

On the face of it, it seems like such an easy choice. On the one hand…, die a horrible painful death; or… on the other, ascend and have the power of the universe at your beck and call. But even when Oma gave me the choice… it was still so hard. I felt so… unworthy…

It was hard…. lying there in that bed…waiting to die... Thinking about my life and all the things I'd screwed up.

It's funny what you think about while you're waiting to die. You think about the best things you've done…, and the worst things, and…. all the little things in between.

I don't know if it was my life flashing before my eyes – maybe the condensed version.

The best thing I ever did was to stay with Sha're and her people after we freed them from Ra… That was the best year of my life. I was a loved and valued husband and son of the tribe. For the first time in my life I knew my place… I knew where I belonged.

And I loved doing there… I loved learning how to grind my own flour and making the bread. Sha're would laugh at me, and tell me to be a proper husband. But I could tell that she loved showing me how to measure the flour and how to properly knead the bread. I remember one day we got flour all over one another and… uhm, well, ya… anyway…

Jack, you can't even imagine the smell of the bread as it was baking. God, it was the most wonderful smell in the world. It filled the whole house.

And, I know it sounds silly, but I loved taking care of the masteddges. They were huge smelly beasts, but they were gentle, too. . And they worked so hard for us. I'd take them bits of fruit and they'd snuffle me until they found the pocket where I'd hid it from them.

I loved teaching Sha're to read, she was the most excellent student… so quick and bright. One day, I came in early and I found her in our room surrounded by kids, and she was teaching them to read… I'll never forget that…

God, why couldn't I have been happy with what I had! Why did I have to want more? I brought the Goa'uld down on us. Me! It was my fault! My own!

The worst thing I ever did was to take the cover stone off the Abydos' Stargate. I know… you tried to tell me, Jack, you and Sam, that Apophis would have come anyway. But in my heart, I knew you were wrong. It was my fault Sha're and Ska'ara were taken; my fault Sha're died. At least we got Ska'ara back. At least… I didn't have that weighing on my conscious as I lay dying.

I thought of all that I had done in my five years at the SGC and it seemed like so little. We'd killed some of the Goa'uld. But for every one we killed, there were two more to take their place… like the monsters in mythology. I felt guilty for leaving my friends, but also.. a little… relieved. Things had gotten so strained between you and I, Jack; it was almost a relief to know that it was going to end.

_Death or Oma: Oma or death?_

Seemed like such an easy choice at the time.

No one wants to die. I know it might have seemed like I had a… death wish lately, but really I didn't. Things have just gotten a little sideways lately…, ever since Sha're… died.

But there's nothing like lying in a bed with your body slowing falling apart around you to help you see what's important. And yes, before you ask, Jack, my friends are the most important things in my life.

Lying there in that bed, I had a lot of time to think… about things. It came to me that I might have been able to get away in Kelowna…, that I might have been able to save myself before that bomb went off. But when I was there, in that moment, I couldn't leave.

You wanna know the truth, Jack?

It never even occurred to me to save my own life. I just couldn't stand by and watch while that bomb blew up. I stood there looking at it and I told myself that I was saving thousands, maybe millions, of lives. And, yes, I was doing it for them, too. But.. mostly I was thinking, '_if I don't stop this, it'll kill Sam, Jack and Teal'c_.' I couldn't stand by and watch… do nothing, knowing that you would die, too. I knew I was going to die because of what I did…, but at least you'd still be around… to fight… to live.

Okay, yes maybe if I'd thought about it…, I'd say that in the back of my mind there was this… the hope that someone… or something, would happen to save me, I didn't know what, but something. I knew there was always the sarcophagus. Okay, no, not an option that would have thrilled me… But, hey, trust me, when you're bleeding to death, a little thing like sarcophagus addiction… well, suddenly it becomes a viable alternative. Or maybe the Tok'ra would have a miracle cure for radiation poisoning. Don't laugh, Jack, we've seen stranger things, but… In the end… I was pretty sure.. yeah, I was going to die. But, you know, I still couldn't just stand around and watch the people I love die.

_Oma or Death? Death or Oma?_

Jack, wasn't it you who told me, '_always_ _read the fine print, Daniel?_'

_Fools go where angels feared to tread?_

_Look before you leap?_

_For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction_? Well…, uhm… I guess that one doesn't really apply, does it? But you get the idea.

Then Oma came and offered me the chance to join her… on another level of consciousness. Wow! It seemed too good to be true... It was all that meaning of life stuff that I'd ever dreamed about! It was my chance to make a real difference in our war against the Goa'uld. I really thought that I could make a difference… You know, once I had the power of the universe in my hands.

How could I have gotten it so wrong, Jack? I went from a person who did things… right or wrong, I acted as I believed right. Now I'm forced to stand by… and watch. I can't believe it…, I have the power of the universe at my beck and call, I could wipe out the system lords with a thought, and I can't do a thing.

'_Rules_,' Oma says, '_balance must be maintained._'

Now, I'm not sure anymore why she helped me ascend. Was this some weird form of torture?

It was like she was saying to me, 'I'll deliver you from the most horrific form of death possible. I'll give you the power of the universe at your fingertips. You can see your friends, stand next to them, but you can't talk to them, no, and above all else, you can't help them.'

Doesn't she know that this… watching...? is worse than death to me?

To see you… Sam…, Teal'c hurt, and not be able to… DO anything to help? God, Jack! I could have healed you of that disease. I could have reached out one hand and you would have been cured.

But, '_No_,' Oma says. '_It is not for us to disturb the natural order. If it is time for a leaf to fall, then the tree will release it willingly_.' I remember, you know… there was a time when I respected what she had to say.

So now they've put a symbiote in you, Jack. It's a Tok'ra, but still... You were the last person in the world… Besides me… I never thought you'd let them put a snake in your head. Not that you had a choice.

God…, it was so hard not being able to do anything to help you. You were just so… helpless when they put that thing in you, completely unaware. It was so hard… seeing you like that. You're always so… in charge, even when you're being an ass, you're the ass-in-charge. You didn't even know what was happening to you.

I wanted to scream at them, yell at them to stop. But I couldn't…, All I could do was stand next to you and watch. _Watch_.

_Death or Oma? Oma or Death?_

I stood there and watched them put that… snake into you. I kept thinking. What hell that would be… to go to sleep yourself and wake up with another voice in your head. There wasn't even one of the team there with you… Well, yeah, I was there, but you didn't know it. I remember, you know, what you said about Charlie that time with the Retu… when they wanted to put a snake in his head, "at least he'll be able to grow up." I say to myself, 'At least Jack's alive' But, God, Jack at what cost?

I guess we've seen the cost now.

Look at you, Jack…. You're lying here in Ba'al's prison. And how exactly did that happen? Oh, yeah.., Kanan. Talk about gratitude for you. The damned Tok'ra…, he's used your body to right his mistakes and look what he's gotten you into. I notice he didn't stick around to face the consequences of what he tried to do.

He's left you here alone to face the music..., pay the piper... well, you know.

I can't help thinking that it wouldn't have happened if I'd been alive. If I'd been there to do something, anything…

_Oma or death: Death or Oma?_

But if I hadn't accepted Oma's offer… and ascended, I'd be dead now, wouldn't I? I wouldn't have been there to help anyway: Unable to be at your side and even… just watch. I realize now what choice Oma gave me...

Dead, or as good as dead to your friends?

You didn't know I was there, Jack…, but I was. I stayed with you… Watching… while you were sick. I walked with you when they took you to the Tok'ra base alone without any of the rest of SG-1. Watching… I couldn't believe they'd just let you go like that. Alone, with the Tok'ra, putting a snake in your head.

We're so fractured, Jack. We have been for a while now.

I keep wondering… If I was still lying in that bed… would I make the same choice knowing what I know now? Knowing that I couldn't lift a finger to help you?

It didn't seem like such a bad… choice at the time. I was dying a horrific and painful death. There was no hope of a last minute rescue. I knew that. We had grown apart so much and it didn't seem like there was any way to bridge that expanse.

Was that worse than this… Watching?

_Death or Oma? Oma or death?_

The Tok'ra has gotten you in so much trouble, Jack. You always said… they only came to us when they had the hard jobs, the scut work, the stuff they didn't want to get their hands dirty with. Well, this is the…. hardest thing they've ever handed you, Jack.

Ba'al is a sadistic bastard, even for a Goa'uld. I watched… as he tortured and killed you once. Don't make me do it again, Jack…. He'll just keep doing it over… and over again… until you give him what he wants… or until you're mindless from the sarcophagus addiction. I can't let that happen you know, because… either way, my friend Jack O'Neill is going to be dead:

Finally and forever. And that's… just… unacceptable. I won't let it happen.

I've watched way too long now. It's time to start doing something.

Yes, it's time to start doing again…

_Oma or death? Death or Oma._

I've chosen, Jack...

I choose life.

Yours.


End file.
